a final thought

This bar's closing. It was the bar that wasn't supposed to be opening at first place. Although I wanted to go or come, I just didn't know where to. I didn't want to make my entrance, I just wanted to disappear. Before Rome, it was Arizona and I was pretty certain that I wasn't going to coming back to Seattle. But then, 'things done changed'. 

Last summer wasn't too hot, I thought, my autumn in Rome was hotter than my summer in Seattle. It was rather a cold summer. Cold but pressurizing summer that choked me up to my throat everyday. I wasn't finding myself, I wasn't so incline to...and I was just ready to give it all up and start all over again, as I did it before over and over again. I had an acceptance letter front of me on one side then a plane ticket on the other side. I chose a plane ticket simply because I paid for it and also a deposit money that I cannot get it back if I would've cancel the whole thing. I guess, destiny always happens in the most weirdest way. 

My first month in Rome was rather bad than good. I had moments where I felt completely isolated and not fitting with anything, anywhere and anybody. I was still trying to find myself in a pitch black tunnel and I felt like all I was running into was giant metal beams that would knock my head or two out. It was hectic and even though I didn't miss back home, there was a huge void in me that I could not explain. I was so numb and so tired. Even though, I was sure as hell that I didn't want to go back. 

Things gotten better, much better than I could ever imagine as I start to find pieces that would comfort me. I quickly noticed and appreciated little things that made me happy. Quick walk to Piazza Navona every morning, a delicious cup of coffee afterwards, watching shallow pop music video on MTV Italia and sharing rooms with some of the best people that I've met from this trip. Then there was three women who did nothing but a wonderful job to keep me on course; Lucy, Rebecca and Ellen. I also had people back home who was incline to know what I was doing here and giving me an enormous support from all the way back there. I knew then that I have to go back because I owe it to these people and also, I owe it to myself. 

I wondered, couple days ago, if all these things meant to be happen. I don't know the answer for that but one thing for sure is that my last three months starting to change me. I've hit the rock bottom while I was here and hit the sky high while I was here. It was a roller coaster ride for ages but in the end, it was worth every seconds. 

I remember how I promised myself to learn how to love while I was here because I felt so empty when I left Seattle. Not a thing matter to me, success or failure...everything seemed redundant to me and I didn't take anything sincerely. I wanted to love and I think I found it through understanding myself. I am still in learning to value myself the most but it's better than ever been before. I realize what I can do and I think that's the biggest difference from then and now that I know what I can do and most importantly, I know for sure now what I WANT TO do. That's the love that I learned while I was here, learn to love myself and learn to love everything around me because I finally realize that I didn't come here all by myself. I never did. This walk, I might take it by myself sometimes but now I realize that I'm not that alone and I have great people around me to walk with me.

People will ask me, 'how was Rome?' and all I can give to those people is just couple words and some exciting adjectives but that probably wouldn't describe all the feelings and all the learnings that I acquired while I was here. However, what I can do is that I can share myself that I earned here with people that I love the most. When I say, 'it was amazing' or 'it was good', you probably don't have any idea what I mean by it. Nevertheless, come close to me, I'll let you know little by little how 'amazing' and 'good' it was. 

I am going back, no, I'm moving forward. See you when I get there, y'all. 

one, 

Dizzle, yours truly. 

"swan song"

promise me that these lights won't go away

but everything goes off by midnight 

...everything...

I had a dream where I ran down these stairs in a scooter

40 kilo, 50 kilo, 60 kilo...

I won't crash no more but I also don't smile anymore

that was couple calendars ago

when I had map painted all black

and my pocket had holes 

they told me I could find my love here

they told me I could do anything here

accidently, I inhaled

I swam aimlessly in a dark green bottle or two

cried behind a lamp then smiled front of a window

every morning, every night and everyday

i used to get showered by all those new melodies

trimming my wings although it never hurt me

brushed my hair like it was a stroke from an angel

even though

no one kissed me while I was here but that's okay 

I still played around with words 

did everything just happened or was I walking along a fuzzy thread?

i am not going back, 

i am not, 

stop. go. walk. breathe. don't stop. 

I don't want to

I used to not see everything

I don't know if I can see anything right now, I have no idea 

but I can feel it...

something is arising...

i know it for sure...

because I just opened the door, for the first time

i am going forward, 

merry christmas, David. 

brand new

ciao my hairy beard and my directionless bang...

I won't miss you that much

it had to happen anyway

few thoughts 122108

1. 2 more days until I leave this city, 3 more days until I get home sweet home
2. I guess today will be last Sunday that I won't have to work. Next Sunday, I will probably have to work. It feels like coming down all too fast but then it's been pretty long since I came here, I think. 
3. I remember when I first came here, I was lost and I was crazy desperate. Nothing seemed to connect and everything felt like it was falling apart. I remember how I just wanted to disappear and go somewhere, anywhere. That was roughly 3 months ago. I think it was my third night or fourth night...I don't remember but somewhere around my first week in this city, I stood front of my hostel and broke down without any reason. I wasn't really missing home nor missing anyone at the time. Anyway, I am 2 days away from leaving this city. Everything seems so familiar now, the cafe that I go to, the bus I ride on, numerous walks passing pantheon or Galleria Alberto Sordi to get to Piazza del Popolo or Spanish Steps. I've been watching more Totti and Zlatan than Allen Iverson or Peyton Manning. I paid 1 euro for a cup of capuccino. It was 'ciao' or 'salve' rather than 'hello' or 'what's up'. Kiss on both cheeks rather than a hand slap. It was number 8 tram bus, not my silver Lexus. I am going back and that's undeniable. I wanted to learn how to love when I came here. Not just to get a girl or whatnot but to love myself. That was the main objective when I came here. I never loved myself. I never did. There's difference between 'showing off' and 'loving yourself'. I loved my ego, not myself. I am still working on loving myself but it's safe to say, now I know just a little bit about loving myself and love. It all starts from me. I believe that now. Everything starts from me. All the things that happened, I think I can let it go now. I can't have it linger on me. I just can't.  
4. Today was so simple, I don't know if I can ever have a day like today back when I go back home. I think that's my biggest fear right now; having my simplicity. I loved my last 3 months because I can only worry about myself while I was here. That's probably going to change. Although that's my biggest fear, I don't fear much, I don't think. I know things are going to change when I get there. It's little sad that everything comes down to an end but again, everything has its finish and every other finishes, there's a new beginning waiting for me. I don't know what the next chapter going to look like. I really don't know. 
5. Last minute shopping tomorrow and a haircut, finally. It's all going to come off. I am not going to grow my hair for awhile, it's too much to just keep it up. 
6. and a final thought...coming up tomorrow...

few thoughts 122008

1. 23rd of December is coming pretty quick, I tell ya
2. Last hurrah, here we go, I just bought last 7 rolls for this city. Once more, once more. 
3. and I also bought this handmade rainbow colored beanie. It's awesome. 
4. and I thought people were laughing at my beanie but apparently, I walked all afternoon with a chocolate spot right on my damn nose. Stylish, no doubt. Smooth, you damn right. 
5. The train ride back to central Rome is little too poignant for me. yesterday, when train stopped at Ostia Antica, I dunno...I got caught up with so many different memories. I remember when we were waiting for the train back to our apartments, I stood against the window and did this silly dance (Cliff got the video of it, I think) and I also remember how almost everybody crashed as soon as we got into the train because we were crazy tired from heat and all that. Plus, that was the day that Ashleigh made me a daisy chain...I lightly chocked up as the train passed through the station because...I dunno, sometimes...I feel like my last 3 months didn't even happened at all but it did. It certainly did and it changed me in a way I could never imagined but then, you gotta go back home and home is pretty near. 
6. I also gave a direction to get to Trevi Fountain to this Korean family who were touring around the family. They were desperately trying to find the place with such little English. I noticed their guidebook written in Korean so I offered them a help. It's funny...just about 2 months ago, I was coming back from my Italian class and got totally lost around that Trevi Fountain-Via del Corso area. That's when I bought my huge map and helplessly watched that map flutter aimlessly. But then, here I am giving them how to get to the place without stumbling a word...three months in Rome. It's kind of magical. 
7. I still trip over cobblestones though and I don't think I will ever stop doing it. I really miss Tony. LOL. 
8. No one's here in this city except me. Lilly will be here shortly but she's leaving early on Tuesday morning. I guess everybody gotta go back to their place. Even me. I am actually going back to the city that I love, I am going back to people that I love the most, I am going back to the place that I love to show off. I am going back..23rd...I am going back...

what I've been doing...

somebody tell my mom that I've been doing what I am supposed to do...

80+ deep, yo 

few thoughts 121908

1. The final weekend in Rome. It all comes down to this.
   
2. In a span about 3 hours, I was in two different country. No, I did not drive up to Vancouver from Seattle nor have I went to Vatican. I did not realize that until today that I flew lot of different places.
   
3. I am in a suburb of Rome and I cannot ask for better situation than this right now. Where I am staying right now is pretty amazing. It is really small town by Ostia Antica and the town itself faces a beach. I was way too tired to kinda browse through the whole town but it seemed so peaceful, nothing so hectic like central Rome and everything is really just easy go and easy come. Lots of old folks, I've noticed. Anyway, today was one of those day that I felt crazy tired and crazy hectic. I stayed up all night in Stockholm to catch an airport shuttle that leaves about 3:40 and it's a 90 minute bus ride. My flight was at 6:30, touched down at Rome around 9:20...another shuttle bus ride that basically took me an hour and half...crashing in Rome center for repacking then wondering around my hostel area good 30 minutes to get my Rome direction faux-paus going...yeah...it was that kind of day.
4. The place that I will be staying is not bad at all, it is super clean, by the way, and the place is just huge...they have pool table and a little coffee shop of their own. Also every room has a single bed!!!! no f'in' bunk beds and also, TVs!!! I guess I can watch my Italian wheel of fortune and lovely Valentina on MTV Italia once more. I was actually worried about getting to central Rome every now and then but it only takes me about 30-40 minutes to get to central Rome. Train ride isn't too bad and besides, I like riding on train so it works out pretty well. It is also only couple minutes from EUR so I think I can definitly hit up there once more if I so desire. It's literally nothing around where I am staying besides some coffee shops and big supermarkets, yes, I am in a suburb for real. I like it actually.
   
5. I shot 80 rolls...it's not much compare to what I shoot for a month back home because I shoot at least about 20-30 rolls per month but then, I haven't develop any of these...aw...crap...
6. last three months...i don't know how to put it in words but it's something i will remember for forever. i am only couple days away from going back and i think i will know little bit better than before on what to do for myself.
   
7. I am so getting a haircut...it is all going to be gone by next Monday.
   

few thoughts 121808

1. today is my last day in Stockholm...which means I only have four days until I go back to the emerald city.
   
2. so far in Stockholm I've met following...a guy from Hong Kong who studies art in UK, a depressed middle-age German teacher (he was an emo with a capital E and to the Nth degree), 3 boys from America and one being from none other than Seattle who actually went to UW, 4 wonderful Swedes who helped me immensely during this trip, a coy girl from Ireland with another coy girl from France, a charming and talkative girl from Latvia, 4 German boys who did nothing but getting drunk, 1 female amateur boxer, an old Swedish boxing coach who was the nicest and the sweetest old man I've ever met, one really craaaaaaazy attractive (word 'hot' is way too shallow for this lady, trust me) curator. They all were wonderful people and I will keep in touch with them when I go back to the city.
   
3. And this internet cafe at my hostel is playing Nina Simone right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how can I not love this city?! I am actually thinking about coming back to Stockholm either next summer or winter. Stockholm is officially my favorite city, ever. It actually tops Rome, Tokyo and Paris. It's that serious, yo.
4. and plus, Cheap Monday is from Sweden, too!!!!! Why this country so damn awesome?!!!!!
5. so as I mentioned yesterday's post, I was looking for a boxing gym for a photo shoot and I found one...only to being told to come back next day. So I went back this afternoon and they were more than willing to let me take couple pictures of the place. There, I met this wonderful boxing coach, Leif, who was so sweet and so gentle. I also met this fierce and yet, very sweet female amateur boxer name Johanna. I was little nervous about going to the place and take a picture but almost everyone in that gym made me feel welcome. I missed being in a boxing gym and that smell and the sound of bell and everything...it brought me home. The photo shoot went awesome, I hope pictures would turn great when I go back home. Crossing my fingers.
6. after that photoshoot, I went to couple galleries and I was pleasantly surprised the fact that they have so many photographic galleries all around the city. They were some quality works all over the place, done by Swedish photographers. I asked couple galleries if they can take a look at my portfolios. They were more than willing to do so even though that doesn't mean they are going to represent me or whatever but I really don't care, at this point I just want some comments, that's all.
7. My four days in Stockholm has been an wonderful experience. Every where Iwent, it was nothing but a quality experience. I wish I could spend longer time in here with more money in my pocket, I hope. However, with money or without money...this city was just purely awesome and yes, I am so coming back here. To take more picures, of course.
   

few thoughts 121708

1. I have not seen a daylight since I got here. Typical winter sundown in Stockholm is...get this...3pm. Sun actually starts to set around 2:30 and by the time 3 o'clock comes around, the sun is completely gone. Not to mention, it's really foggy in here so yes...there is no sign of a daylight in here. That does not mean, however, the city is dead. Not at all! It's so alive...at least until...like 8pm that is.
   
2. If you ask me to pick one city that I would like to live...Stockholm, without a hesitation.
3. H&M is Swedish??? Another reason to love Sweden and Stockholm...oh yes...
4. really...I really didn't do anything today but just wonder around and take couple pictures. I did went on some subway ride to take pictures.
5. I found a boxing gym in Stockholm...I was doing some research on this for couple weeks ago leading up to this travel and there weren't many gyms as I thought it would. I was in search of a gym not for a workout session but a possible photo session. It's one of many subject that I usually delve into when I am doing my B\W photography: boxing. While I was in Rome looking for photobooks, I was incredibly inspired by this one book that delved into sport of boxing in this beautiful black and white photos, I also have this one book called shadow boxers that investigates famous boxing gyms around America and that got me thinking about starting of project of my own. I also love the sport as a participant and as a spectator as well. It was the sport that kept me in shape, anyway. So I found the gym but only to told to come back tomorrow afternoon. I don't have much of high hopes with it but hopefully, it goes well and who knows...I might have some fun time before I leave.
   
6. This is the most nicest place I've ever been to. Many things about Sweden really attracts me. People, shops are just adorable (and functional), art scenes aren't really extravagant by any means but Stockholm still knows thing or two about contemporary art, it's also incredibly fashionable. Just watching these people gives me enough fashion tip for me to try on when I go back. Paris to me is the most stylish place I've ever been in but Stockholm is not to far away from being so stylish. They be stylin' on you big time.
   
7. Have I mentioned that Swedes have the most incredible looking blonds all over the place?
   

few thoughts 121608

1. I just saw following...Andy Warhol, Nam-Jun Paik, Robert Rauschenberg (r.i.p.), Barbara Kruger (motherf'in'!!!!!!!!!!!), De Kooning, Munch, Matisse, Man Ray, Walker Evans, Andrea Zittel, Thomas Ruff, Duchamp, Louise Bourgeois, Cartier-Bresson (chuuch!!!!!!!), Nigel Cooke, On Kawara, Dennis Hopper, Max Ernst (holla!!!!!), Doug Wheeler, Wallace Berman, Tom Sach and Julian Opie in one day!!!!!!!! Don't ask me how because I can't even describe it. I haven't even mentioned my reunion with Nikki de Saint Phalle. Plus, some awesome, awesome Swedish artists. I sniffed on some art coke up in my nose and it's bleeding profusely right now.
2. Today was accidently a museum\gallery day for me. I was planning to go to Nobel Museum, which I did go but found out the museum is free starting 5 pm so that plan was hold off until...well...5 pm so I was wondering around the city and decided to go to Modern Art Museum which was like 10 minutes away from Nobel Museum. It was 9 Kronors (that's a Swedish currency for ya) worth of pure art ecstacy. It was an art cocaine from start to finish. Then I stumbled into galleries where I saw some of the coolest contemporary art in Stockholm. That modern art museum, however, was something else. It was everything I asked for then some. Entire lobby and some of hallways were designed by none other than my one of my divine Barbara Kruger (other one is...Cindy Sherman, obviously) and from that moment on, my heart just stopped and my jaw just dropped. I was in heaven and it only took about 11 dollars. Aiyyo!!!!!!!
   
3. Nobel museum was awe inspiring. First of all, I did not know Alfred Nobel was Swedish. I knew he invented lot of things including dynamite and he was cakin' big time back in his prime then went on to spread his wealth for good will. Now, the museum was just so inspiring in many level. I got to watch videos of some of recipients from past like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, Dalai Lama, Aung San Suu Ky, Flemmings. I also got a chance to listen to Toni Morrison's acceptance speech which gave me chills to my spine. She was so graceful with her words as she always has been and her speech was more like of spoken words. I had to listen to it twice to just to feel the awe from her. They also had a speech of MLK Jr, which was another awe inspiring speech from the man who knew no fear at all. They also had interviews from Ernest Hemingway and William Faulkner. I gotta say as great writer as they are, I had to laugh a little when I heard them speak because Faulkner sounded like he has some lingo in his dialect and Hemingway seriously sounded like a robot. I am not kidding you with that!
4. My first day, I asked a receptionist at my hostel about where to get postage stamps and such and her response was "go around and you will eventually find it" and I thought, 'oh, you are not friendly' (she's adorable and very friendly, I'll get to that later). I did manage to find my stamps that day alright and today, I totally understood what she meant. It is impossible to get lost in this city. I am telling you! City is so small and it's surrounded by water so you are basically going around and around. In other words, you will actually find a place of your desire if you do go around, eventually. It is impossible to get lost in this city.
   
5. Another impossible thing to do in Stockholm, getting Swedish people pissed at you. Seriously, you are officially the biggest jackass if you pissed one of these people off. These people are the most friendly and peaceful people you will ever meet in the world. Not to mention, crazy stylish and hot whether you are a man or a woman. These people know how to dress and all of them look just crazy fantastic. Don't get mad at Swedes, they are very nice...inside and out.
   
6. One small thing that bothered me...so Sweden has 7-eleven but they close at 11 o'clock. What the...that's not 7-eleven...that's more like...6-nine...or 9-five or something...not 7-eleven. What kind of 7-eleven do you close at 11 o'clock???????!!!!! That's totally unprofessional, you know.
7. Stockholm has three (yes, three!!!!!) professional soccer team. I think London might have more teams than Stockholm does (they have 4). Anyway, that put me little problem early today when I went out to shop some soccer scarf. I bought this green scarf that was for team call Hammarby FC, why? That's the only team in Stockholm that is being sponsored by Nike, other two are sponsored by Adidas. Oh well...you know how I feel about that...you should.
   
8. öyvind fahlström...look it up, he's awesome.
   

few thoughts 121508

1. Landed at Stockholm, Sweden just couple hours ago and here are few things that I already loved about Sweden however did not know it was from Sweden. Like I had no idea Bjorn Borg was from Sweden...I thought he was German, oh wait, that's Boris Becker. Some of fine clothing lines are from Sweden as well such as my ultimate favorite WESC and J. Lindeberg. Two of my favorite atheletes are in fact, Swedes. Peter Forsberg who used to play for Colorado Avalanche of NHL and Scotish Soccer League's Celtic legend Henrik Larsson are from Sweden. I already loved this city and I didn't even know about it. Nevertheless, I do know fine supermodels are from Sweden including Victoria Silverstedt, who, by the way made my Roman stay that much pleasant on her Italian Wheel of Fortune, every night. I knew Smurfs were from Sweden and as well as ABBA, I know my dad loves ABBA.
   
2. Stockholm has some crazy sneaker shops!!!!!!!!!!
3. public transportation was just crazy long...it felt like it took forever. From being in Ciampino since 6ish to landing at Stockholm at around 2 ish was more than getting me fatigued. My bus ride from Swedish airport to the center of Stockholm was about 90 minutes long but really, people here are the most nicest people that I have ever met. I thought French people were nice but these people are nice with capital N to nth degree strong. I was feeling already better when I got here and city looks just gorgeous. It's very 'hip', I have to say.
   
4. And! I found a film shop within an hour after I got here!!!!!!! How awesome is that!!!!!!!! It's like a block away from my hostel and so far, Rome is the worst place for me to buy films. What's up with that, huh?! I love you Rome but you lose on this one.
   
5. Speaking of my hostel. Another solid one even though this one is not as good as one I stayed in Paris but that one was just one of those crazy special place. This hostel has a big kitchen so I can fix up some dinner or even more and speaking of which, the hostel gives out free pasta noodle at night so all you gotta bring is just sause and whatever the ingredient you want to put in. Of course, they have saunas and I am so looking forward to kick my feet up on those lovely steam room. Anyway, this will be another great 4 days...I can already feel it.
   
6. Although...I got stiffed arm by this lady as I was walking down the street because I was completely unaware of what was front of me, that lady, and I almost ran her over. It was totally my fault. She gave me pretty good stiff arm though.

few thoughts 121408

1. So...I guess I will actually be home in about 10 days. Wow...
2. It's only been day and a half since I got back from Paris and already I've been treated like a crap more than 3 times. Do I hate it? Hell, no!! I actually love it. It just keeps on reminding me that I'm in Rome, no other place is like this. I actually chuckled yesterday when people were giving me shady directions and bus weren't coming in right time. I kinda missed it. The city is still amazing in my book. When in Rome...I guess...when in Rome...
3. Today was my final meet up with Lucy. No more school stuff since our program ended about a week ago but I wanted to see her for one final time and Ben came along with me for our final meet up. From Lucy's side, Jeremy decided to come meet with us as well. It was quite entertaining. Us four had delicious cups of coffee and some pastry courtesy of Lucy and also we wondered around Porta Portese's sunday flea market for couple hours. Having Lucy on our program was nothing but blessing for us because not only her knowledge on just about everything but also way she treated us. She was so open to anything and she treated all of us with the highest regards. Hopefully, we did same for her. Anyway, it was day of silly wondering and reflection. I was so humbled by the fact that Lucy came through to meet with us because she is, in fact, leaving Rome to go see her family in DC tomorrow and she had like trillion meet ups to say quick good bye to everybody who knows her and also packing her stuff. Nevertheless, she did spare couple hours with us and it was wonderful. Jeremy was very nice guy as well and I have to say, seeing both of them together was quite cute. They were adorable, I mean it for real. 
4. With most of kids from SAPR program gone back to their home and knowing that I will be the last person to leave this city, it's kinda weird for me to still stay around this place. Ellen and her family is gone and even Lucy is leaving for this holiday. There will be no more conferences at prow. In fact, I won't have any classes anymore in 'our Rome Center'. Actually, I won't come back here as a student anymore, not as a study abroad student...it's over, really. I know there isn't going to be any class on monday, in fact, I will be in Stockholm this monday. I can't ask Federica to contact our landlord because we ain't getting no hot water since I don't have my apartment #8 at Campo Dei Fiori anymore, instead, I will be wondering around one hostel to other. I also realize that I have to 'buy' dinner at somewhere instead of 'fix' dinner in that smallest kitchen that I've ever been in and it will take more than 3 euro for me to cook up a pasta and that won't even last days...only couple minutes if lucky. Funny how time changes, I remember not being able to find my way home from my Italian class and bought a giant map that became completely useless as I watched that thing flutter aimlessly at Trevi Fountain then last night, I was giving random people a direction to how to get to certain places or which buses to take. I even missed how Serrah greeted her teeth when she called out my name...just a little bit, not too much. I am spending this weekend with Ben but when I get back from Stockholm on this Friday, he will too reside in the state. Of course, I'm coming back as well sooner than I even think but this weekend, as relaxing as it gotten, it also leaves me little bit of hole in me. Lot of things are crossing my mind, what to do when I go back home, things that I should be working on and things I should do starting tomorrow and all. Being all by myself doesn't bother me much, in fact, I like it being all by myself here right now. I never worry about settling in because that's always how it has been in my life; trying to settling in. I'm pretty good at it and besides, I am going back home, I ain't moving anywhere. How hard can it be? It's still sweet in Rome, trust me. Although this Sunday is only couple hours away. That's true. 
5. What am I going to miss about this place when I leave here? I don't know because they are simply too much of those stuff. It's funny how I am already thinking about leaving. It feels like I got here like 3 days ago...yesterday is little too farfetched, let's keep it real. 

few thoughts 121308

Paris wrap up, holla!

1. So last night was my final night in Paris. It was four magical days at the most brightest city in the world. I had my final dish of crepes as I chomped down on egg-mushroom crepes. Delicious. And! I also made friends with people from 'Down Under'. 
2. Two nights ago, I went on a great expedition on Paris as I walked all the way from Grand Arche at La Defence to Louvre. It was a bit of walk and my feet still screams uncle from it but it was wonderful. I went on my holga craze most of that day. I don't know the exact length between those two monuments but it was pretty far away...it took me the entire morning and afternoon. Grand Arche was a thing of beauty. 
3. Most of following morning's wondering was around Bastile area. I was there on my second day of traveling but didn't get to see the area much because I was just busy buying films and finding a camera shop. Bastile area was insanely nice. It's not like Champs-Elysses by any means but it feels like the place had a deep history behind it. It was a stern place compare to lot other places. I also loved all the little public markets in between that place. Then I came back to my hostel catch up with some slumber and I met up with these three lovely people from Australia. Jonno, Maddi and Rianna was traveling all over the world well over 5 months and we were just happened to share same hostel room so we went out all together and had a blast. Maddi and Rianna are sisters while Jonno is a boyfriend of Maddy and those threesomes were quite a character altogether. They were super chilled and nicest kids too. While Jonno and Maddi went out and did their thing, Rianna and I went out to a gallery tour (again, for me...I don't mind). Rianna, like myself, is an art student so we connected right there. While we were wondering around. I ran into a gallery that was showing William Kline's works. I could forget about Louvre by then. I was so excited to see his works. It was crazy! It was f'in' William Klein! But back to those three kids, they were so wonderful. Jonno and Maddi were two comedians, literally and while Rianna can be funny at times, she was super sweet girl. Jonno and I might meet again as Jonno will hit up North America early next year. It was a day that I cannot forget. 
4. Oh! I had a cup of hot wine. It was delicious!!!!
5. One thing about Paris is that Paris does remind me a lot of Canada for some odd reason. Don't worry, I mean it very well. I like Canadians just as much as I like French people. 
6. Last four days were just crazy magical. I can't complain. Paris was everything I imagined times million. The city was wonderful. People were so receptive and nice. No cobblestones, that was really good. Foods were absolutely delicious and all the random places and people that I ran into were absolute quality from top to bottom. I can't get rid of Parisan lights out of my mind right now. It was beyond romantic even though I was all by myself. I loved and enjoyed every minute of my stay in Paris. Au Revoir. 
7. Back in Rome again for one of my two final weekends in this eternal city but up next, Stockholm. 
8. Seriously, though, French girls, hands down. The beautifulest. EVER. Parisiennes...wow...

white No. 1

halting my urge before eager starts to fill up
they breath coldness in my lung around my sleep
dream stars, i don't, but admire lights that never have me corrupt
a loaf of bread soaked in tears although it won't dig me deep

this is the dream, the scream in the theater, a bowl full of hope
narrate the seranade before the curtains draw
leave this empty before the stroll 'cuz higher slope is the sign of a dope
clocks knelt down in agony because my flesh remains raw

i am the undoing of my own that doesn't separate my....
lighting up the corridor that used to lodge an old bed with stale water
the rap is not over, changed, deranged, punctuating a shallow fabric of lie
blaring vocabs have me naked sincerly front of tomorrow's quarter

few thoughts 121108

1. still on that Crepe fiend...! I never stop.
2. Long but fun photo walk today. Today was official. I went on 10 roll craze (yeah, I had to buy extra) from Le Defence to Pond Neuf. It's still cold in the city but not too cold and besides, I don't mind being so cold, I actually like being cold so it was really fun. My feet didn't hurt much either. First, Paris does not lace itself with cobblestones so it ain't too hard on your feet and this is new city and city that I've been admire for a long time so I was really ready for whatever. Anyway, I walked from like 10 am 'til 6 pm. Eating crepes, trying a cup of warm wine (it was delicious!), drinking coffees, taking pictures and...
3. Around Pond Neuf, there's a street called Boulevard Saint-Michel. It is the street that many artists and poets used to hang out like...'THE' Arthur Rimbaud. Now, that's gotta be pretty cool. So I was basically wondering around Boulevard Saint-Michel and really almost accidently, I ran into streets full of galleries after galleries. I found some of the coolest galleries I've ever seen. Including a gallery that is totally dedicating themselves into graffiti and street art. How cool is that?! It was the best gallery/museum I've ever been too. I was so excited that chills ran through my spine, yes, it was that awesome. Today's wondering was nothing but wonderful as I ran into streets draped with galleries and even some antique camera shops. I couldn't go into antique camera shop because one, I probably come out crying because of fact that I can't afford any of those beauties and second, it was so breathtaking that it's fitting that the store and I should have some distance in between or otherwise, I'll probably catch myself a heart attack. Let me tell ya, minute I saw that wodden 8x10 camera and Leica from 60s, I thought I was about to have seizure.
4. So going back to my Louvre experience yesterday...I told y'all how great it was to see Delacroix' 'Liberty Leading the People' and although I did not mentioned it but I was really excited to see the sculpture of Nike...no, it's not that Nike, it's actually a beautiful woman...you idiot. I think she's beautiful but I really can't tell because she doesn't have her head as of now. Poor woman. The name itself got me excited. Well, you know. Anyway! I had the weirdest art viewing moment in Louvre as I literally scambled myself to look at Mona Lisa. Yes, Mona F'in' Lisa. Oh, you...overrated piece of wonderfulness, you. Let me just say Da Vinci is the illest, that's no doubt but this Mona Lisa thing is really blown out of proportion. You can feel there's Mona Lisa in that room because not a damn thing in that floor matters but that and that floor had Delacroix, Piccaso, statue of Nike, David and much more. Flashes are going crazy as if Mona Lisa will end up on tomorrow's edition of National Inquirer. It was absolutely insane. Mona Lisa is pop culture's equivalent of Britney Spears and we are all paparazzis. Yes, I said it. It was exciting to see the history that is still breathing. I was thrilled to see Mona Lisa but at the same time, it exists in between flashes of validation and touristy smiles on front. Most of us, including myself, look at this thing without really understanding how great this picture is. You are there because it's Mona Lisa. That's it. It's no more than an artifact for most of people that validates the whole experience in Louvre that offers lot more than just Mona Lisa. It didn't leave me bitter taste in my mouth because you see this in every where. It happens in every where that has a momument or a monumentally famous artworks. However, it made me think about what kind of experience are we supposed to have in museum because flashing your flashes, tip-toeing and striking a pose front of the artwork is something that sits weird with me. Maybe I am paranoid.
5. I was sandwiched in a subway car. Oh wow...that was an experience.
6. Is France fond of America? I don't know but they have so many things that refers to America. They have 'American Hospital', 'New York Avenue', 'Franklin D Roosevelt Avenue' and list goes on...I know we ain't going to have Zidane Avenue, Sarkozy Drive or Monaco Street anytime soon. I mean, remember couple years ago? We did try to change french fries into freedom fries. Why did I even bring that up.
7. I got a sweet looking PSG soccer scarf!!!! Those who don't know what PSG is PSG stands for Paris St-Germain and they are Paris' professional soccer team. I think they have one of the coolest yet simplest logo in all soccer with colors to match to represent the city perfectly. I was pretty happy to get those in my hand.

few thoughts 121008

1. So...yesterday, I slept on a subway car and I went 2 stations over my actual destination. Yeah, I walked all the way back but it was a good walk.
2. Went to Louvre, Champs-Elysses then Saint-Denis to take a look at Stade de France, the place where French shocked the world (mainly Brazil) in '98 World Cup as they became the world champion. Anyway, before all that crazy sight-seeing, I had to get my priority straight; film shopping. The day before my arrival to Paris was national holiday in Italy so most of shops were closed including this film shop that I go often. Thus, I had to search for photo shop in Paris. Honestly, I thought I wasn't going to make it and I thought about just buying crazy amount of disposable cameras to compensate. However, Paris is photographers' heaven. Many photographers ([cough] including yours truly, Dizzle [cough]) came to Paris to show the appreciation to the city through their own aperture. Paris apparently has an entire street full of cameras and film supplies. Near by Bastile, there is this street called Blouvard Beaumarchais and they have all the crazy camera shops from the official Leica shops to only place in Paris that sells medium format film. I even saw medium format Polariod camera and Nikon's monumental FM2 camera in real life. You think looking at Mona Lisa in real life is exciting but not as exciting as looking at those black metal beauty. Sorry, I'm a photo geek...what can I say?! Anyway, right off the bat, I bought 10 rolls of B/W 120 format film for my lovely Holga camera. Price wasn't cheap at all but the old lady who owned the shop was super nice...I almost wanted to kiss the lady because I was so happy to get them films. I could forgo a shopping spree at Nike Paris (they got some Paris exclusive clothes) so I can shoot more pictures. See how I have my priority straight? I know what I'm doing.
3. Seriously, French people are insanely nice. French girls...I'll just not say anything. Oh wow...that's all I gotta say.
4. Louvre was definitely overwhelming. I saw so many good works from Delacroix to Poussin to Durer (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to Rousseau to Millet to even Picasso and some of sculptures from Borghese collection. My focus was on painting rather than sculptures and all the historical artifacts. Yes, I did see the Da Vinci's Mona Lisa in real life but that wasn't the highlight of my Louvre trip. I actually have two highlights. One is seeing Millet's work in person because I always loved his approach and subject to his painting and second is getting to see Delacroix' 'Liberty Leading the People'. 'Liberty Leading the People' is better than Mona Lisa in real life. Hands down. No, I'm not a huge fan of Coldplay. Another great thing about Louvre, if you are under 18...your admission is totally free. I am so taking my kids in the future to this place...seeing Louvre for free? Are you kidding me?!
5. This place is so incredible right now, Champs-Elysses is literally 'draped' with dazzling light sparkles so much that you can't take eyes off from it. Eiffel Tower at night lits up blue. That's not special because that blue is actually pretty gross looking blue. However, every now and then Eiffel Tower would glow and dazzle with white star lights and it will actually make you dizzy if you see them long enough. Paris is so magical. It really is. It's not just lights (it's mostly because of lights) but it's way the place reserves itself. It's completely different from Rome. Crepes are wonderful and I'm actually having cups of Au Lait like I did back in the States! Having Au Lait alone already makes me happy.
6. Oh so as I was making my way into Louvre, I saw some girl walking up to me with camera and I thought her and her friend wanted to take a picture together and I'll take a picture for them. Nope, these group of tourist (mostly girls, pretty) wanted to take a picture with me. Well, hello. Probably because of my hair...(and I'm pretty damn good looking) if you don't know what I'm talking about. I have been sporting a new hair-do while I'm in Europe. I tie my hair up with clothespin and also wears a headband (which was a string from my shorts). I guess I'll be pretty famous in Kazakhstan. I didn't mind it.
7. And I saw the hand print of Michael Jordan! What!!!!!!

Few Thoughts 120908

1. Oui Oui Oui...Paris.
2. 10 things I already loved and love about France...let's see...Thierry Henry (!!!!!!!), Eugine Atget, Arthur Rimbaud, Tecktonik, Girbaud jeans, Crepes, Louvre, photography (French photography is the illest ever), Tony Parker and yes, cutest girls ever!!!! Jesus, do they know how to dress!! Thank you!!!!!!!!
3. Oh, 11th thing? Metro. Hands down, one of the best I've ever been on. Korea still has the best Metro. EVER. It's like epic best. Paris is pretty damn close though.
4. It's only couple hours since I touched down to Paris and it's already been great. It's little pricy up here but everything looks so awesome here right now. French people are so damn lovely. Crepes are awesome. I'm probably going to eat that thing for entire time. I done similar thing when I was in Naples as I chomped on nothing but pizzas for like 3 days straight. I think I could manage having only crepes for next 4 days.
5. It's even snowing right now!
6. They have cheese products named after one of my friend, Kiri. I'm not kidding you.
7. It's Champs-Elysses tonight!!!!!

few thoughts pt. II 120808

an extended version, here we go

1. Good things always come to an end too soon or at least we think like that. I'm only couple days away from going back home. It doesn't make me feel good or sad but I'm definitely not indifferent or being blunt about it. I know that's just part of process; you have to go back at some point. Where is the returning point? I don't know, we'll never know but what I do know is that I have my life back there, the type of life that I want to cultivate and keep it fresh...as long as I can. 
2. Out of all those I hugged tonight, how many of them will I really see them when I go back? I don't even know. 
3. What I definitely bring back home with me is this; purpose. My life is now loaded with purposes. I have reason to do things and I have reasons to live now. It will take a time for me to let go of all the pasts, distant, instant, whatever...it will take time and I won't force it to let it go because more you try, harder it gets because what it does is that you are only reminding yourself those pasts over and over again by forcing it. We all went through it and I won't be so fearful anymore. That's not going to happen to me anymore. I won't let it. I have people to share my pains with now. I always had them, I just didn't want to acknowledge them. 'Love', that's all I live for and I'll do whatever it takes to not only get it but keep it as lovely as possible. I know I can do it, I'm sure of it. 
4. Trust me, I haven't thought about my final thought...I know it'll come sometime sooner than you think.  
5. Paris, here we go. Bring it. 

few thoughts 120808

1. It's over now. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'll wonder more. Yes.
2. Lot of thoughts are going through my head. Having to travel all by myself, starting tomorrow is exciting and also seems little daunting at the same time. I know I'll do just fine and enjoy some French light while I'm there. I'm eating only crepes while I'm there. Also getting Saint-Germain soccer scarf while I'm there as well. I don't know what to expect when I go there. I just want to walk around and take pictures, that's really all I want to do. Maybe I might run into somebody, maybe I might see something that no one else have seen before but most importantly, I just want to put myself out there and see what happens. Also, I really want to eat crepes...that's actually why I am going to Paris. I really don't care about Louvre, I'm just in it for crepes, no I'm kidding.
3. Oh, straight Holga. No digital, no 35mm. Just Holga. Straight up.
4. I've been hurt, I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been healed while I was here and I met some most beautiful people at the same time. I know I will see most of them when I go back but then, we'll all have our lives back together and it won't be like this. I don't feel sad about that. I know I'm blessed to have this trip, it couldn't turn out better than this. I know few things about me now that I can make some pretty honest art, that I can make people feel happy, that I can love myself for who I am, that my scars on my skin and in my heart makes me even more beautiful, that I can put up a smile or two in most genuine way possible. I am letting go of my past because what I see front of me is too beautiful. I'm not afraid anymore. I know what I can bring now. I know I'm not perfect and I don't have to be so damn perfect...that's why I am great.
5. However...I am little tired, I've been sleep deprived, it's too noisy outside. Damn.
6. Less than 20 days away from going back, I really want to sleep somewhere quite.
7. For the final time in Rome, I got drunk...second time around...it was just wine. Sparkling red wine is quite delicious.

few thoughts 120708

1. one more day, then off to Paris
2. yesterday was the wrap up day. had our crit and had a final pot luck at girl's house. almost everybody showed up including Ellen's family. As usual, I cooked a pasta dish. Ellen could 'drink', Jim was hilarious, Alyssa was on the roll, Mason and Cole are always adorable, everybody playing 'Euros' and I had a best birthday party ever. 
3. So I was chilling on the balcony with Kelsey, Nikki came around and she wanted to close the balcony door a little because 'it's getting cold', little do I know, that was the start. As I was talking to Kelsey, I felt the light turning off behind me and the whole apartment goes dark. Then Nikki and Lauren hollering at me to come inside of the apartment and they actually made a birthday cake for me. I couldn't believe what I was seeing but there it was, my birthday cake and people around me to celebrate it. Yeah, my birthday is like months away but that didn't matter. They huddled up candles from the house and Nutella is like my favorite thing ever so they made a frosting out of Nutella. Everybody in the house sang 'Happy Birthday' to me. I couldn't help myself from crying. Cake was so delicious, it was perfect! Every time I bite down on my cake, I was seriously about to cry but crying while eating is not good, that's going to upset your stomach.  I never had people done that for me, it was really overwhelming. Nevertheless, a good overwhelming!  I didn't even expect it either. It was just, I don't know...I can't describe it in words. I felt so much love and really, made me realize that I'm not that lonely, I don't have to be. My life doesn't suck and I mean it. I'm being loved and I always have been. 
4. Serrah, you don't ask a 4th grader if he wants to get a tattoo when he grows up. That was funny, though. You don't even want to get one for yourself!!!! LOL. 
5. Thanks everybody. Thank you so much. 

few thoughts 120608

1. the show's over but the magic hour starts now
2. so the first hour was little bit boring because it was pouring outside and no one is showing up so we ended up eating almost all of our food. However, 7 o'clock rolled around and people decided to show up and all, it was nice. 
3. Me personally, it was really weird to stay the whole time during the show because I had a private room for my work and I didn't want to peep over my room to see who's reading and whatnot but you can't help it!!!!! It was little nerve wrecking. So I went back and forth from 1st and 3rd floor up and down. I tried to not to make an eye contact with people who's reading my stuff. I was...really weird out. My face was blushing at times and everything. Next time I do this, I'm going to travel somewhere while the show's going on, seriously. 
4. People got drunk afterwards, what do you know...I slept like a baby. 
5. After the show was over, I finally opened up the box. It was insane. What people had to say about themselves were just nuts. You would think you are the only person with a problem or even problems but no, everybody hurts. I couldn't help myself from crying so much after reading all those. It was hard to read them through, I think I have to read it over and over again...it was really intense and it was also a learning experience for me as well. I still don't know exactly what kind of impact that I gave to people who read my stuff but having to read all of different responses definitely helped me to get through with what I am going through. It was really liberating. I can't say it was 'interesting' to see other people's insecurities. I didn't mean to pry on to people and people didn't HAVE TO respond to it if they didn't want it to but this whole experience really made me to understand that we all carry some kind of burden and we all want to get rid of it but everybody has a hard time doing it. I'm really finding me in this stuff. Doing what I'm doing...it's only time I get to be myself anyway. 
6. Bob gave me really good hug after he was done reading my stuff, I was in verge of crying because I guess, I felt it. The whole night was kinda emotional. 
7. I'm starting to understand...what I want to do with this art stuff and what I can do with this art stuff. However, I think I am starting to understand what I can do for myself. That's the most important thing. 

one thought 120508

1. I'm born to do this. Period. 

my final show

'I just wanted a birthday cake'

'2008'

'Mixed media - an interactive piece'

watch me!

few thoughts 120408

1. Today was cleaning day of our studio and it dawned on me that in couple weeks, I will be going back home that has a clean rug, a bigger bed, my cds, my clothes and a bigger TV that I can understand the language. That made me sad because I realize that I really don't want to go back home. 
2. But then, I have people I miss so much. And everything has to go back sometimes, that's how life is. 
3. Tried to look for a soccer ticket this afternoon and since it was being our last week and all that I think people wanted to end it with a bang but problem was we didn't know where to get it. So we boldly dared to look for a ticket but we couldn't find a place. Although we found this nice opera house instead. Standing on a line for 20 somewhat minutes to find out we can't get a ticket at the opera house. Not a good look. It was a nice looking town, though. I ain't mad. 
4. Come to think about it, I never took this thing so seriously. Would I ever take this thing seriously? Probably not. I have other things around me that I need to be serious about. This can't be one. This art thing, I can't take it so serious because then, it will probably destroy me. However, I will be honest with me. That's my art, my honesty. You may not see most grand thing or most outrageous thing ever but I make sure that you will see the most sincere and honest thing. I got enough things in life that makes me feel stressful. When I'm doing this art stuff, it's the only time I get to be myself; I can't be stressful about that. No, I don't take this thing serious. I'm just trying to be honest. 
5. my final is up and running. I am excited about what people said about themselves. it will be all come out after tomorrow night. I think I might cry. 
6. I put everything on my work and left nothing behind that's why I am just waiting for the moment to come. I don't fear jack, now. 

swagger king

'Swagger King'

'Kobe'

2008

few thoughts 120308

1. Suzanna still on my mind, no, I'm just kidding. LOL. 
2. I finally put up my final project for people to see and we'll see how it goes. At least, everybody will enjoy a chocolate. What can I say...?
3. Our hot water is so not on point and having about 5 days left in this house, I'm really giving it up. It's little ridiculous. Some people in our house just doesn't get it. It's not even frustrating anymore, it's actually really petty now. 
4. So going back to Jay-Z, my ultimate hero, he laced his verse on Coldplay's new EP in a track called 'LOST+'. Not that I'm infatuated with Jay-Z but I don't even care for the entire song, I just fast forward to Jay-Z part and listen to it over and over again. It's just crazy. He seems to do crazy better in other people's song now. 'With the same sword they knight you, they gon' good night you with/ Shit, that's only half if they like you/ That ain't even the half what they might do/ Don't believe me, ask Michael/' Are YOU CRAZY?!!!!!! I was jumping out my seat when I heard that part. Another reason for me to claim that Jay-Z is one of the best poet in modern day if not the best. 
5. couple more days and I will enjoy watching NBA basketball and NFL playoffs. Plaxico Burress story got me laughing so hard, though...this dude is just straight damn fool. 
6. Also, I can wear my hats again when I go back home...yes, I miss my fitted hats. You don't even know. 

swagger king

this is what I do when I get so bored...

'Swagger King' Series

'Penny' 

2008

few thoughts 120208

1. Tomorrow is the day! Yay!
2. So earlier today, we went down to Vatican for an underground tour. We visited the burial site of St. Peter and we actually got to see the bones and stuff. That was freaky and cool at the same time. And the tour guide, Suzanna, was like really cute. I bet many of dudes were like, 'keep talking, you look so good'. I know I was thinking that. Then, we totally forgot to invite her over to our final show. Damnit!!!! No, it was really cool. One thing really bothered me though that it was pretty hot and humid because they want to preserve the cite as original as possible. At some point, I thought I couldn't breath because it was like really deep under the ground and started to get little muggy. However, visiting a cool cite with a cute girl being a guide, you can't complain!
3. I want this city to get colder. I really do!!!!! I wear a short sleeve underneath my cardigan and I feel meagerly chilly at best. Really, I want my cheeks to get red! So I can enjoy some hot cocoa. 
4. Hands down, Jay-Z is my hero for real. OMG...that 'Lost+' track with Coldplay is just...OMG 
5. I had chicken for like first time in 2 months, it was delicious. It was drumstick, too. It was so awesome. My finger smells like butter because of that, though. 
6. I am going to work with Rebecca when I go back. I am so excited about this! She's going to hire me as her intern for her upcoming show. I don't get paid, instead, I get credits for it but I don't care. I am just really thrilled about this. Oh yes, I am. 
7. Son, forget LeBron James to the Knicks in '10, The Bulls will get DWade in '10. Damn right! Another party in Chi!

MEG

My newest musical crush

Katy Perry you are so done, it's not even funny

This girl's like 10000000000000000000000 times better than you

and she's hotter!

www.M-E-G.it

Andrea Garbo of Il Genio is also awesomely talented and deathly cute, I have to say. 

few thoughts 120108

1. December is here! My favorite month. EVER. 
2. Going back to yesterday, so I went on this little walking tour that led me into Piazza Popolo and Via del Corso (it's a big shopping district, you get the idea). They had a big christmas tree up!!! I've been seeing some Christmas lights hung up around the city but not trees! I was more than thrilled to see those and of course, holiday season coming to us, it's safe to say that I am feeling some warmth around me. No, I haven't bought a new sweater yet. 
3. Reimbursement FTW!!! 60 Euros, yo!
4. Although our big final show is this Friday, I'm putting mine up on Wednesday just for the experiment. 
5. Speaking of experiment, I went to architecture's final crit today. Us and architecture program shares the same building and I always wondered what kind of work they do and how their crits go. It's definitely different than art crit, good and bad. Although Frank Geary is probably only architect I could name top of my head, I always have been interested with architecture and urban planning. So the story goes like this architecture students in Rome were assigned to a certain spot in central Rome and given an assignment to flip that spot into something different since many of the spots they were assigned to was virtually soulless and dead spots like back of the train stations and all. Group of people came up with idea of building a market and space based on slow foods. I thought it was interesting. I didn't think no mean words were flying here and there although there was this dude who was completely obnoxious but there's always a dude like that wherever you go. As an art major perspective, I wasn't really looking at the plan but I was keep thinking, 'installation art there!', installation art here!!!'...yeah...I was that geeky. Anyway, I thought it was good that all of the things were so well planned and so well thought out because sometime it's so easy for us art students to just say, 'uhm...I just changed where I was going with this thing' or 'I just wanted to play with this thing for a while...' no, that ish ain't going to fly here. Not at all. However, I thought that also could be little bad because it's way TOO well thought out. There's no room to kinda move around to be bit more creative. I guess that's why architects and artists work together. My another concern was how to utilize that space effectively because behind the main train station in Rome is essentially a slum that has many minorities and immigrants...and I thought many people really missed out on an intricacies of actual setting that could certainly benefit them. However, it was really good to see those architecture works, it was definitely refreshing. I had a fun, trust me. 
6. So here's what I'm doing with my final project. The title of the project is 'I just wanted a birthday cake' and I titled it after the fact that I've never had a birthday party growing up and it all relates to my direction with my art; anxiety, fear, stress, depression and those stuff. So the actual connotation is like, 'I just wanted a birthday cake but I'm stuck with doing this art thing', yeah, you get the idea. So it's based on my journal of my last 4-5 months that includes passing of my grandpa, my anxiety attacks, my biggest fears, my struggle with depression but also way to overcome all those by doing what I love to do; art. The idea came along since my spring quarter with Susan Robb, I was really thinking about what it means to grow up and what it means to 'love' and I told myself before I came here that would be the focal point of my art works while I'm in Rome. Although the physicality of my project turned a dramatic turn since my first project, I think my theme stayed same. When I first thought about doing this I thought it was going to be just recreating my journal on a sketchbook but Ellen gave me an inspiration (thank you as always) to take the project even further. I want people to read up about what I'm about and what made me grow up from this experience but also write a response, not to me but to themselves about their fears and their anxieties or even their own happiness. I will have a box ready for them to write about them and simply put those responses into a box. Then I will turn THOSE into another sketchbook and hopefully people will get to see them my show at Parnassus in March. I also will have set up a little reading room with chocolates and stuff so even if they would not wish to respond, they can still take something sweet. I hope it works!!!! Wish me luck!!!!