Last summer wasn't too hot, I thought, my autumn in Rome was hotter than my summer in Seattle. It was rather a cold summer. Cold but pressurizing summer that choked me up to my throat everyday. I wasn't finding myself, I wasn't so incline to...and I was just ready to give it all up and start all over again, as I did it before over and over again. I had an acceptance letter front of me on one side then a plane ticket on the other side. I chose a plane ticket simply because I paid for it and also a deposit money that I cannot get it back if I would've cancel the whole thing. I guess, destiny always happens in the most weirdest way.
My first month in Rome was rather bad than good. I had moments where I felt completely isolated and not fitting with anything, anywhere and anybody. I was still trying to find myself in a pitch black tunnel and I felt like all I was running into was giant metal beams that would knock my head or two out. It was hectic and even though I didn't miss back home, there was a huge void in me that I could not explain. I was so numb and so tired. Even though, I was sure as hell that I didn't want to go back.
Things gotten better, much better than I could ever imagine as I start to find pieces that would comfort me. I quickly noticed and appreciated little things that made me happy. Quick walk to Piazza Navona every morning, a delicious cup of coffee afterwards, watching shallow pop music video on MTV Italia and sharing rooms with some of the best people that I've met from this trip. Then there was three women who did nothing but a wonderful job to keep me on course; Lucy, Rebecca and Ellen. I also had people back home who was incline to know what I was doing here and giving me an enormous support from all the way back there. I knew then that I have to go back because I owe it to these people and also, I owe it to myself.
I wondered, couple days ago, if all these things meant to be happen. I don't know the answer for that but one thing for sure is that my last three months starting to change me. I've hit the rock bottom while I was here and hit the sky high while I was here. It was a roller coaster ride for ages but in the end, it was worth every seconds.
I remember how I promised myself to learn how to love while I was here because I felt so empty when I left Seattle. Not a thing matter to me, success or failure...everything seemed redundant to me and I didn't take anything sincerely. I wanted to love and I think I found it through understanding myself. I am still in learning to value myself the most but it's better than ever been before. I realize what I can do and I think that's the biggest difference from then and now that I know what I can do and most importantly, I know for sure now what I WANT TO do. That's the love that I learned while I was here, learn to love myself and learn to love everything around me because I finally realize that I didn't come here all by myself. I never did. This walk, I might take it by myself sometimes but now I realize that I'm not that alone and I have great people around me to walk with me.
People will ask me, 'how was Rome?' and all I can give to those people is just couple words and some exciting adjectives but that probably wouldn't describe all the feelings and all the learnings that I acquired while I was here. However, what I can do is that I can share myself that I earned here with people that I love the most. When I say, 'it was amazing' or 'it was good', you probably don't have any idea what I mean by it. Nevertheless, come close to me, I'll let you know little by little how 'amazing' and 'good' it was.
I am going back, no, I'm moving forward. See you when I get there, y'all.
one,
Dizzle, yours truly.
